


Long Time Lie

by amethyst-noir (Arbonne)



Series: Prompt Collection [28]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Cloak of Levitation (Marvel), Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fade to Black, First Kiss, Flirting, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Protective Tony Stark, Stephen's Butterflies, Suicide Attempt, Talked about, all of those things are in the past, and a little bit of humor, bottom Stephen Strange, i'm sorry about that, it's talked about but then
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 17:13:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17104745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arbonne/pseuds/amethyst-noir
Summary: Stephen shivered a little but otherwise he barely reacted to Tony's careful touch. He just looked on with a vague look of curiosity."Can you even feel my touch?" Tony asked after a few minutes of uncharacteristic silent contemplation.(After almost dying, and the resulting screaming match, Stephen confesses to a horrified Tony that his "accident" was in fact a suicide attempt.)





	Long Time Lie

**Author's Note:**

> Another prompt fill! This one is... well, read for yourself:
> 
> _Headcannon: Stephen’s car crash was actually a suicide attempt and because he’s ashamed by it he hasn’t told anyone it was and keeps it so people think it was an accident. But in an argument between Tony and Stephen, Stephen accidentally lets it slip that he tried to kill himself. And just Tony getting all the info from him about it and both of their reactions afterwards. ???? :D_
> 
> Wow. Just wow, that one is really brutal. It also hit me in the feels and my imagination went crazy. I really hope you like the complete Angst-Fest your prompt has inspired. The scene where Tony really investigates Stephen's hands for the first time is one I've wanted to write for a while now but so far it never fit into the storyline. But for here it was perfect. Don't look at me for the turn the story takes at the end. I'm not responsible for that! The "accident" is in the past, Stephen has worked through some shit and it's time for the future now, okay? Sorry that I'm still not delivering on the sexy times but hopefully the implications are enough to make you happy.

"It's none of your business!"

"Of course it's my fucking business! You could have _died_ , Stephen!"

"Wouldn't have been the first time. You had no right to interfere and…".

"... safe your pretty little ass? And your _life_ while I was on it?" Tony crossed his arms and adopted and aggressive, challenging stance. He didn't know what he wanted more - to grab Stephen and shake him until his last two brain cells might be knocked together again or to take him into his arms and hold onto him forever to keep him from harm. Maybe he could put a nano-reactor on him to protect him? One with its own AI that couldn't be tampered with like the Cloak had been today?

Stephen wasn't fit to be left alone out there, that was clear now. And the Cloak was still angry at Stephen and more or less hid behind Tony. Its glare was rather impressive, considering that it was a piece of sentient fabric.

"My life is not your responsibility, Tony." Stephen suddenly went quiet, his anger from a moment before suddenly gone. He stumbled a step back and let himself fall onto the waiting couch. Tony was still pacing around the library of the Sanctum.

"It is, if you act like today!" Tony's blood pressure was still up there, together with his voice. "You don't seem to care how close it was!" He gestured, helplessly pointing at Stephen. "Sometimes I think you have a death wish." He finally got a little bit quieter as his anger subsided. It was replaced with a cold fear. He wasn't ready to lose yet another friend. Especially not one where the friendship was evolving into something else. Something more. Something even better.

"I don't, Tony, I swear," Stephen said tiredly. "Not anymore. Tried it once, didn't work out so well for me." He leaned forward and stared at his shaking hands as he spoke. His often impassive face was a grimace of disgust and pain. "I just wanted to help. You where outmatched and I couldn't just stand by and watch you get blasted to kingdom come."

But Tony barely heard the last bit. There was _something_ in Stephen's voice and suddenly defeated posture that replaced the coldness with ice. "Stephen?" he asked uncertainly. He wanted to reach out and _touch_ but remembered at the last moment that Stephen didn't particularly like to be touched - a shame in Tony's opinion.

"What?" Stephen snapped. He looked up and froze when he saw Tony's face.

Tony could see how he mentally backtracked and the exact moment when he realized what had slipped out. To his credit he didn't even try to take it back or play it down. But he couldn't hold Tony's eyes anymore and his shaking hands suddenly seemed to be the most interesting thing to look at.

The Cloak, which had more or less hugged Tony from behind, without settling down, peeked over Tony's shoulder. It's sorrow was clear to feel. Automatically Tony reached up to pet the soft fabric, as if to soothe it. Stephen might not be a fan of being touched but his clothing definitely was. A corner of it carefully tangled itself around Tony's fingers and squeezed them before it flew away to settle on its master's shoulders. Stephen tried to get it to cover his hands but it refused. After moment Stephen gave in with a sigh and held up his hands. Their trembling was worse today, after the shock of almost being crushed underneath the rubble of a collapsing skyscraper, and the heavy use of magic. Tony longed to go down on his knees in front of Stephen and take them into his, to try to still the shaking and keep them warm. He knew from accidental touches that Stephen's hands were ice-cold most of the time. Poor circulation, Tony guessed, but they had never spoken about it. They had never spoken about a lot of things, he suddenly realized.

Stephen already knew pretty much everything about him and their conversations where always lively and interesting enough to keep Tony on his toes. He knew a lot of things, yes, but most of them he'd researched or gathered in bits and pieces and through veiled comments.

Like this one: _Tried it once, didn't work out so well for me._

This was not an implication, that was a confession. The question was only… "Was it after your accident?" Tony asked after an eternity. _Screw it_ , he decided and took the necessary steps to get in front of Stephen and sit down on the floor in front of him and leaned back so that he could look up at Stephen without breaking his neck.

"What?" came the confused reply.

"That you tried to kill yourself," Tony spelled out slowly. "I mean…" He didn't know how to continue. He didn't have to ask why, that was clear. He had read the articles after all and he had _listened_ when Stephen had made off-hand comments. So he knew where - and _who_ \- Stephen had been and how deep he had fallen. Socially. Financially. Physically. He wanted to ask _how_. Alcohol? Drugs? A mixture of both? Playing with a razor despite his damaged hands? Jumping off a bridge? Somehow he couldn't quite see Stephen doing that, actually. Cutting his wrists or drugs and alcohol seemed more in character.

Tony shivered and shoved the unwelcome thoughts away. Imagining how a person he cared for deeply might kill themselves was not a road he was willing to travel. He wanted to reach out and inspect Stephen's hands and wrists _right now_. His desire to do so had been there for a while but now it was almost overpowering. He leaned back and put most of his weight on his hands to keep them still. It was a posture Stephen could never hold again, he realized after a moment. Somehow, that seemed important all of a sudden. All the things Stephen couldn't do anymore. Like supporting his own weight with his hands and wrists. Or holding on tightly to something to keep it close or stop a fall.

Stephen gifted him with a small, bitter smile. "It wasn't after the accident," he said. He still stared at his hands, as if he was afraid to look up. His voice was very quiet and had an almost dreamy quality as if his mind was in another world.

Tony could feel his heart almost stopping and he suddenly couldn't breathe anymore. _No!_ he protested but he couldn't get the word out. He held up his right hand as if it had a repulsor on it and could stop the damning truth that way.

Stephen suddenly looked up and caught Tony's eyes. His own were enormous and looked almost grey in the dim lightning. He looked broken and strong and gorgeous and determined - all at the same time. He didn't break their eye-contact. "It wasn't an accident, Tony." He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, relaxed and leaned back. The Cloak left him and watched from the sidelines. Stephen's hands rested in his lap. "When I crashed my car I was in the full possession of my wits. Alcohol and drugs hadn't done the trick so I tried drowning in actual water. The few moments when I flew through the air I finally felt free from everything. It was wonderful. The impact and the pain and the freezing water weren't so pleasant but I knew it wouldn't have to feel it for long." The same bitter smile, once again. Tony had learned to hate that particular facial expression on Stephen. "Imagine my disgust when I woke up again. I was not even able to kill myself properly. Instead I managed to destroy the one thing about me that was exceptional and did good in this forsaken world. What a failure of a human being." His hands twitched but stayed otherwise still.

The worst part was that there wasn't even self-hatred in Stephen's voice, instead it was as bland and emotional as a weather report. There was nothing but facts Tony would have preferred not to know. _Ignorance is bliss._ "Stephen." Tony couldn't say more; his mind was empty of everything except sheer terror. Horrifying visions played themselves out in his mind and he was too shocked to know how he was supposed to react. "Why?" he finally asked. He hated the choked quality of his own voice. "God, Stephen, _why_ would you do something like that?"

"It's okay, Tony", Stephen finally said. He forced himself upright again. "I'm doing much better these days. I know who I am now and I've been off drugs for _years_. I barely even take painkillers these days. The past, and all my problems back then, don't matter anymore." He held out his hands again and kept them as still as possible as if offering them for inspection. "This is me and I have accepted that."

"You still try to get yourself killed on a regular basis," Tony countered after a moment but all of the anger and fear from before had gone. Instead there was only sadness and a horrible kind of understanding. He knew addiction and he knew to what terrible things it could drive you. Suddenly saw Stephen's stunts in a completely new light - one he didn't like at all. But he moved up to get closer to Stephen's hands. He looked at the broken, badly healed skin and red, still angry scars. The skin was so dry that he suddenly wanted nothing more than to put some lotion on it. He could almost see the metal holding everything together. It looked gruesome now, years and many surgeries later. He couldn't even imagine how bad it must have been after the accident. _Not an accident_ , he reminded himself. _Suicide attempt._ The words made his stomach heave. He wanted to go back in time and rescue Stephen from himself, he suddenly realized.

"So do you. And don't even try to tell me that you don't have a death wish. I have seen you, remember. You can touch by the way. You won't hurt me." Another one of those bitter smiles. 

Tony took the invitation he'd been waiting for with even more trepidation than he imagined he would. And he _had_ imagined. Lots of times. Especially after Pepper had… he forced the thought away. The ancient past wasn't important anymore. At least not his. Stephen's on the other hand… _I could have lost him before ever meeting him._ Somehow that thought was worse than anything else. The idea of never even meeting Stephen, of never wanting to kill him for his stunt with the time stone, before finding a kindred spirit instead, was even more horrible than the memories of drifting alone in space, hungry and dehydrated, waiting for the end. He'd discovered in those dark days that he didn't want to die but he kept that to himself. There was no need to drag the conversation even deeper into the depths of past depression and despair.

After a moment of consideration Tony choose Stephen's right hand. He put his own left under Stephen's to offer a surface to rest on and started to trace the scars with the fingers of his right. The skin was cool and dry and looked as if it was stretched too tight over the bones. _And the metal_ , Tony reminded himself. There wasn't only bone, muscle and tendons under it after all. There was a ton of surgery scars but none that looked like they were self-inflicted. Tony breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he would have done if he'd found any. He continued his careful exploration.

Stephen shivered a little but otherwise he barely reacted to Tony's careful touch. He just looked on with a vague look of curiosity.

"Can you even feel my touch?" Tony asked after a few minutes of uncharacteristic silent contemplation.

Stephen hesitated for a moment before answering. "A little bit," he finally said softly. "Not much. The nerve damage is too great. There's not much strength and even less feeling left in them. More in the right than the left. That's the really useless one."

The quiet words broke Tony's heart all over again - something he hadn't thought possible. But Stephen managed to do many things Tony had thought to be impossible. Like bringing the light back into his life. Companionship. An equal. Maybe a lover, if things went further along the road they'd traveled on for the last few weeks.

"Not useless," he countered after a moment. "I've seen what you can do with them." He looked up from his contemplation of the still oddly beautiful hand to look at the even more strangely beautiful face of Stephen. "Everything _but_ useless."

This time the smile was a little less bitter. "You mean like this?" Since Tony still had his right hand in a gentle hold Stephen raised his left one and suddenly a startling blue butterfly was sitting in the palm of his hand. The little thing looked around, as if curious, before settling down as if waiting for something.

It was beautiful and Tony had already fallen in love with the butterfly but he had also seen the little grimace of pain Stephen had given at the gesture. "You can't feel my touch but every movement hurts, right?" A slow now. "That's cruel." And explained at lot about why Stephen didn't like to be touched, actually. Or why he shied away verbally from any overtures towards a more intimate relationship while his body language more or less screamed and begged to be taken into an embrace. Stephen was even more touch-starved than Tony and that was quite an accomplishment.

Stephen shrugged. "It is what it is."

"That's pragmatic."

"Realistic."

Tony looked down at the butterfly again. He let go of Stephen's right hand but still offered the support with his left. He held out his right hand, waiting.

Stephen looked at him for a long moment before taking a deep breath. The butterfly moved up to his arm and crawled away towards his shoulder. He slowly and very carefully put his left hand into Tony's waiting one.

The trembling in this one was worse. Tony had never noticed before but up close it was obvious. There were also even more scars and the fingers were more bent out of shape. Tony really didn’t want to know how it must have looked right after the… crash. It was a miracle Stephen could do _anything_ with it, let alone conjure magic like it was nothing. If it were possible Tony would have fallen even more for him in this very moment. 

Stephen took his right hand back into his lap so that Tony could concentrate fully. "You're the first one," he suddenly said. Tony looked up in a silent question. "To touch me like this," he clarified. "Ever since I," Stephen sighed and looked at their joined hands. "Ever since I tried to kill myself. I've only been touched by doctors and while I was training. Or fighting in hand to hand combat." _You're also the first one to know the truth_ , went unspoken but understood between them.

"Never by a friend?" A shake of the head. "A lover?" Tony pressed on despite knowing the answer already. He had to make _sure_ that Stephen knew where he wanted this to go. "In all that time?"

Stephen swallowed hard and shook his head. "Never. There hasn't been anyone… I couldn't…" He fell silent when Tony suddenly bent down to press a kiss to the palm of his hand.

"Now there is", he said with more conviction than he felt. He could feel himself trembling but he was determined to see this through.

"Tony." There was a world of pain in Stephen's voice and tears in his eyes. "I can't give you what you deserve. I'm useless and duty-bound to a higher calling." The butterfly left his shoulder and fluttered away to were the Cloak was hovering and watching.

The anger was back, just as suddenly as before, when he was screaming at Stephen for risking his life. Tony swallowed it down and made sure to keep his voice tightly controlled and his hold on Stephen's hand light as a butterfly's wings. Time to move things along in to another, lighter direction. "Continue on like that and you'll get a therapist instead of getting fucked into the mattress." He winked to take the sting out of his words and startled a laugh out of Stephen. Success.

Stephen coughed and the light blush staining his cheeks made him look even more beautiful. "I'd prefer the latter." His right hand came down to rest atop of Tony's, sandwiching it between his trembling ones. "If you're sure."

The withering glare Tony gave him was answer enough.

Tony rose up to his knees while Stephen bent down to meet him in the middle. Their first kiss was surprisingly tame and felt like a homecoming. After some gentle encouragement Stephen finally slid down to the floor and into Tony's waiting arms. Their make-out session ended with them still clinging to each other. Stephen's head rested on Tony's shoulder while Tony was busy stroking over his back, over and over again. They both had relaxed considerably and it was easy to shove all thoughts about risk-taking, drugs and accidents, that weren't accidents, aside for the moment.

Finally. He had a breathing, willing and as healthy as it got Stephen in his arms. While it hadn't gone quite how he'd imagined it they were finally getting there. They were already in the Sanctum, so there was no need to ask in whose bed they would end up. Stephen's bedroom was just a floor away and Tony knew that he had a nice, big one. But there was one thing Tony needed to make sure before they could get there. His hands stilled but after a moment he continued the stroking. He wanted to get under Stephen's clothes and to get his hands on bare skin. Stephen shivered happily in his arms and almost purred.

"I meant it. I want to," he started but was interrupted immediately.

"I know, Tony." Stephen laughed and pressed a kiss against the pulse point on his neck before raising his head and looking him in the eyes. "I'm yours. Take me up there and do with me what you want." A short pause. "There are some positions I won't be able to get into but I'm sure we'll find one where you can fuck me until we both see stars." He had the audacity to not even blush, the traitor.

Tony on the other hand was bright-red by now. But he soldiered on, regardless. "I want to see your face." He knew what he wanted, yes, and it was nice that Stephen was on the same page, but he wasn't used to talk about stuff like that beforehand. Who ended up in which position had always been a spur-of-the-moment decision with his previous partners. And _talking_ hadn't been really a thing either. But this time Tony just _knew_ that he wanted to be on top for this first time. Any other time was open for negotiation but not this one. Stephen was _his_ now and Tony wanted to show him that in the most primal way possible.

Stephen grinned at him and it took years of his face. "That can be arranged. I have no problems with being on my back." He winked. "Even for extended periods of time."

Tony was left speechless and just stared open-mouthed at Stephen who laughed before freeing himself from Tony's embrace and stood up in a graceful, fluid motion that took Tony's breath away. He held out his hand. After a moment of consideration, and after Stephen's nod of encouragement, Tony took it. While he did most of the work in getting up Stephen gave him quite a bit of stability. He wasn't as young and pain free as he used to be, after all.

"See? Not so useless after all," he teased when they were both standing and still holding hands. Stephen's words still lingered in the back of his mind and he was determined to push them both to their limits and maybe beyond. "I hope you've got the stamina to back up your claims."

Stephen smirked. "We'll see, won't we." He relaxed his hands and let Tony hold them. "Since I'm going to let you do all the work this time the question is if _you_ can deliver." 

Tony's breath hitched as his mind conjured up dozens of possibilities at once. "Oh, believe me," he promised while dragging Stephen towards the bedroom. "I _can_. And I'm sure your shadow will be more than willing to help us out, if necessary."

Stephen looked over his shoulder to see the Cloak following them. "Wouldn't be the first time," he muttered.

Tony just rolled his eyes. "Why am I not surprised? Come on, you two, things to explore, people to do."

*

Later, wrung out and satisfied, with an equally exhausted Stephen curled up on his right side, Tony broached the subject again. "No more stunts like today, please. My heart can't take it."

Stephen, who was busy tracing he scars on Tony's chest, looked up. "Only if you promise me the same. No more going off alone against an overwhelming force. Just wait for me or other backup." His hand stopped directly above Tony's heart and he stared at the horrible mess. Suddenly there were tears in his eyes.

"Stephen?" Tony asked, alarmed. He brought up his left hand to wipe the tears away. "Baby? What's wrong?" He was ready to promise everything to make Stephen smile again and hated himself for bringing the mood down.

"As your friend I stood over your grave in too many timelines," Stephen finally said. "As your lover I can't do it again. _Promise_ me that you'll take better care of yourself."

The implications were… unsettling at least. But Tony bit back all the retorts he could have made - ranging from snarky, to panicked, to playful - and nodded instead. "Promise. If you do the same, okay? We'll watch out for each other."

Stephen looked at him for a long time before he also nodded. "Deal. We're together in this." He put his head on Tony's shoulder and continued his exploration of the scars, seemingly satisfied with Tony's words. Tony automatically started to stroke his back and Stephen once again shivered happily before cuddling even closer.

 _Better than any wedding vows I could have come up with myself._ His thoughts might have been on the slightly hysterical side but his mind and body were surprisingly calm. It told him more about the severity of what had just happened than he was ready to admit to himself just yet.

"Together," he promised and continued the gentle caresses even after Stephen had succumbed to his exhaustion and had fallen asleep. 

Tony followed him soon after.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://amethyst-noir.tumblr.com/) | [Dreamwidth](https://arbonne.dreamwidth.org/)  
> Feedback and Kudos are ❤ and would be the best present ever. :)


End file.
